| Run! Run! It's the Great Flood! |
[Jul. 9th, 2008♥12:46 am] |
My productivity level has crashed, thanks to Naruto fansubs. (I was reading/watching the official releases, if you can "believe it!", pun intended.) I'm obsessive as hell, so either I work to the point where my wrist feels like it's splintering, or I laze around all day and marathon anime/fanfiction/etc. *beats personality with stick*
Also thanks to Naruto, I have constant cravings for ramen, and to a lesser extent, potato chips. Does anyone else get massive ramen cravings from watching Naruto!? This show is going to make me gain weight, which actually isn't a bad thing (except in the eyes of society), because I tend to lose weight from lack of appetite, overworking myself, et cetera... or maybe it is a bad thing to gain the weight back, especially from junk food, because then my heart will have to deal with the strain of weight fluctuations? I feel so small and senseless when it comes to scientific, mathematic, and medical matters, even if I research them online. Am I losing weight and have no appetite because I have a disease, or am I making myself sick with malnutrition? That is the question... to ask a doctor, but doctor-schmoctor, I say!
Anyway, all is not lost. I am slowly hacking away at my doujinshi, and I have also started sketching "MY GREAT DEATH NOTE MASTERPIECE!!♥♥sparkle~" My mantra is that it's going to resemble Death Note cover art. I know it isn't literally possible to match Takeshi Obata, but... I want to at least prove to myself that I can create something at a quality level I haven't before. I was looking through my artwork, and I realized I've never even created a polished piece, carefully sketched and inked and colored... and honestly, I cried. I feel so frustrated with my artwork lately that I look at how worthless it is and cry.
I don't even have the skills to do an art commission. I'm 19 years old and I can't properly support myself. I'm broke. I'm a burden on my family. I can't do anything. I have to change... as I always say, but nothing changes. I have to be better, better, better (God, please, am I perfect yet?) but then I am the definition of the cliché "Jack of all trades, master of none." Artist, writer, composer, graphic and web designer... everything, more, better, but in the end, I end up failing at everything.
I envy those who have a single passion to devote themselves to in life, that sense of purposefulness and a path, so much... and I almost even envy those who have nothing they feel passionate about. It would be so easy to care about nothing, to just be carried along by the breeze, because right now, I'm struggling so hard it hurts. It's like I'm screaming, stretch me thinner, cut me deeper, strip me, rape me... just give me what I want in the end. I could endure the dirty gritty ugly for awhile if I arrived at the utmost luminescence. I want to be good enough -- just enough to not be disgusted with myself -- I want it so. fucking. bad.
P.S. Why are there suddenly a million moths in my room? D:
P.P.S. I ♥ Wikipedia. I looked up the phrase "Jack of all trades, master of none," and discovered that it is, in full, "Jack of all trades, master of none, though ofttimes better than master of one." I feel marginally better about myself. :'D
P.P.P.S. If you actually read this entry... this entry of ultimate wangst, with three post scripts... I am impressed. |
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